Hot Sex

In honour of Sepp Blatter's 'pornographic money' rant about how greedy rich people are ruining football - no, we don't know how he kept a straight face either - we have decided to make this week's Wacky World have a general theme (ie, we'll abandon it as soon as we run of ideas - a bit like the 'live concert' theme in Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band) of sex and money. And not just because it's all so salacious and exciting...

Of course, we won't sink so low as to make fun of Jonathan Woodgate for scoring yet another own goal as he tries to impress Real Madrid and earn a place in the England squad as a replacement for Peter Crouch. We'd never do something so cruel. Instead, we'll continue to make fun of Mr Blatter, a much more deserving target if ever there was one.

What he actually said was: "A fortunate few clubs are richer than ever before. What makes this a matter of concern is that, all too often, the source of this wealth is individuals with little or no history of interest in the game, who have happened upon football as a means of serving some hidden agenda.

"Having set foot in the sport seemingly out of nowhere, they proceed to throw pornographic amounts of money at it. What they do not understand is that football is more about grass-roots than idols; more about giving entertainment and hope to the many than bogus popularity to a predictable few; more about respecting others than sating individual greed, whether for adulation or money.

"This cannot be the future of our game. FIFA cannot sit by and see greed rule the football world. Nor shall we." Presumably, to eradicate the greed that is ruining our beautiful game, Mr Blatter shall take the crucial first step of resigning? He certainly isn't the master of subtlety is he? Wonder which Russian owner of Chelsea he could possibly be talking about? It certainly can't be Malcolm 'no, you can't have any money, I'm broke!' Glazer can it?

Perhaps he's also referring to a newly-flush fan of Swedish second division club Gute. This chap recently won £8m on the national lottery there and wants to use it to buy Juventus striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic for his favourite team. "We discussed the possibilities of buying Zlatan for Visby club Gute," said lottery spokesman Tommy Wahlgren. Whether he would fancy swapping Turin for the Swedish island of Gotland in the Baltic Sea of course remains to be seen.

So, there's the money side of this theme, but where's the sex? Unfortunately, you may well be disappointed. Instead of tales of Page 3 girls playing footy or clubs hiring strippers to entertain the players, we have Hearts star Paul Hartley and his unusual choice of match-day underwear. Shudder. The foolish Scot decided it would be ok to reveal in a radio phone-in interview that he likes to wear thongs to play football. Oh dear...

"I prefer to wear a thong under my shorts for comfort and pink is the in colour at the moment," he said, clearly unaware that he was only digging himself ever deeper with that revelation. Apparently, he also likes black thongs, and alternates between the two colours. Now, David Beckham barely got away with Posh Spice's comments about him wearing her underwear, and we remember Andy Goram being unveiled as a knicker-wearer too at some point, but NOT ON THE PITCH! What's wrong with you Paul? Sheesh...

And now, to tie it up all in nice bow by going back to the money side, we have Ronaldinho. Ever the classy gent, he has had a special pair of boots made for him, including eight ounces of 24-carat gold. As you do. They also have a letter R, the number 10 and five gold stars to signify the five World Cups won by Brazil. "I was very happy to take part in the gold design, so they are completely personalised," he said. If times get tough, he could make a killing on eBay, even though Sepp might not approve. See, all tied up nicely...

Apart from to mention that Blatter won't be keen on the news that rap mogul Jay-Z is hoping to spend some of his ludicrous fortune on 'the Arsenal Gunners' according to American news sources. "Jay-Z loves football," said someone 'close' to Mr Z. "He thinks the whole scene is very bling." Rio Ferdinand will no doubt be delighted if that happens. Gold boots all round...

While the press in England have been obsessing over Sven Goran Eriksson's suitability for the job despite qualifying for the 2006 World Cup, all hell has been breaking loose in African football since the shocks in their qualification groups. The established giants of Cameroon, Nigeria and Senegal all missed out, while the likes of Togo and Ivory Coast are on their way to Germany (not literally, not yet anyway).

That meant party-time in Togo, where President Faure Gnassingbe made the day after the day after they qualified an impromptu national holiday. Perhaps just because no-one would have turned up to work anyway, preferring to continue the partying into a second day. "The party continues for the team because qualifying is a special event," said one bar owner. "I am full of joy. The World Cup is not just for anyone and this event should be celebrated every year."

However, the same couldn't be said for Cameroon, where football fans are distraught at missing out on the World Cup, which would have been a record sixth time for them. Much of the frustration was taken out on defender Pierre Wome, whose missed penalty would have taken the Indomitable Lions to Germany. Fans threatened to burn down his house and mistakenly attacked two cars because they thought he was in them.

"It could have ended very badly indeed," Wome said. "They wanted to and could have killed me. Even though I am a tough lad and I have never been afraid of death, my concern was about the safety of my relatives." He is now safely back in Milan, where he plays for Internazionale, while his family are under protection back home in Cameroon.

Speaking of home, Ghana's qualification for the World Cup gave Freddy Adu some reason for considering his own international future. The young superstar was born in Ghana but lives in America and has played for the USA youth sides, so he can still choose to represent either country at full international level. He has a better chance of playing in the World Cup with Ghana than the USA, but is ready to wait for 2010.

"If they asked me, I would have to say no," Adu told the Washington Post. "I made up my mind to play for the United States some day and I'm sticking to it. I'm very happy. It makes me feel great that Ghana made it. But this is where I play now. It's definitely tempting because I want to be at this World Cup so bad. But I am going to stay with the United States."

Did you watch The Match on Sky One? Nope, neither did we! But basically, it was a bunch of vaguely famous and not-at-all famous 'celebs' taking part in a football match with a bunch of podgy former professional players. What a thrilling reality TV concept, eh? Well, at the customary after-show party, TV's 'favourite double-act' Ant and Dec were rather perturbed when they weren't let in.

Surprisingly it wasn't because the bouncers thought the pint-sized duo weren't old enough, but because of 'safety grounds', whatever that means. However, angry show bosses are now threatening to move the next The Match away from Newcastle because of this silly little dispute. Match producer Malcolm Gerrie told The Sun: "We fought hard to get this show made in the North East and to have two sons of Newcastle turned away beggars belief."

A source said: "The boys aren't big-headed but they are really embarrassed. They had to argue with a rude bouncer on the street with everyone looking on. In the end hotel staff said they could go in with two guests each - but they were so fed-up they left." Malmaison Hotel Boss Seamus Cohen said: "Ant and Dec were not turned away, but they were in a group which we couldn't let in on health and safety grounds."

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