admin @ Sun, 2006-09-03 11:00
But according to a survey from Hamburg-Eppendorf University, the problem may not be anything deliberate or contrived, rather, it may just be natural human evolution.
The researchers interviewed 530 men and women between the ages of 30 and 45 and found that within four years of a relationship, less than half the 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.
They found 60% of the women wanted sex often at the beginning of the relationship, but after four years the percentage fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%.
Researchers concluded that women evolve a high sex drive when they're initially in a relationship in order to form a "pair bond" with their partner. But once the bond is sealed, a woman's sexual appetite declines naturally.
They state that judging from animal behaviour studies, this might be because females may be diverting their sexual interest towards other men in order to secure the best combinations of genetic material for their offpsring.
They also theorize that for men, it might be that evolution has decreed they're constantly sexually motivated in order to keep from being cuckolded by other males.
They can quickly come up with any number of legitimate reasons why sex naturally drops off after marriage. The major one they cite is pure exhaustion from trying to manage a full-time career, small children, a home and a husband.
"By the time I get to bed at night, I am so tired I can hardly talk, let alone have hot sex," says Rebecca, 35, a Toronto lawyer and mother of a young child.
"It's true we could hardly keep our hands off each other when we met and first got married, but I guess reality finally sets in and sex doesn't seem so important."
As for "diverting sexual interest towards other men, etc.", Rebecca snorts with derisive laughter at the thought, stating she has neither the time nor the interest and most of her married girlfriends would say the same.
She also points out that with today's hectic, demanding lifestyles, many married men are in the same boat, collapsing into bed exhausted at the end of another draining day.
But Toronto registered marriage and family therapist Dr. Marion Goertz cautions against losing the precious "connection" essential to a good marriage.
"To survive, couples need to be meaningfully connected," she says. "They both need to know they're accepted, respected and loved by their partner."
"A fabulous lover is one who understands both the emotional and the physical needs of his partner and makes sure they're also met outside the bedroom."
"Women were given the wonderful gift of a clitoris whose only job is to give them sexual pleasure and we have the right and responsibility to enjoy sex the rest of our days."
She says that although marriage goes through a number of stages and every relationship changes and adjusts as time passes, the ones that will fail are those where they're not communicating.
- Relationship-health first. Write a list of positive and negative aspects of your relationship. Do it without character assassinations. Swap the lists for understanding and tender discussion.
- Communicate. Talk to each other about your sexual likes and dislikes. Do it outside of the bedroom, there's a difference between rejecting an activity vs. rejecting the person.
- Revamp. Focus on your body realistically. The happier you feel about your shape and health the more enthusiasm and self-acceptance you'll bring to the bedroom. Check out your exercise, eating, drinking and relaxation.
- Learn to become sensual. Focus on your sense of smell, touch, taste and sight. Be conscious of bodily sensations when you stretch, swim, eat or hug someone.
- Stimulate yourself sexually, mentally and phsycially. Discover what makes you feel sexy. Think about and imagine sex. Let sex simmer. Educate yourself about arousal.
- Rediscover romance and pampering. Set the scene with music, candles, fires, bubble baths, scents, flowers. Selfishly enjoy pleasing sensations.
- Sex is more than orgasm. Take the focus off the end goal. Touch each other, bathe each other, stretch together. Be close through touch and affection. Make love without penetration.
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